By Neta, founder of SortMyDivorce · Updated
A counter-offer is not a rejection with a number attached. It is the document that determines whether the next round is a step forward or another six weeks of correspondence.
| What a counter does | Signals what you will settle for, what matters most, and whether you are engaging seriously. |
|---|---|
| Issue by issue, always | A single headline number is uninterpretable and invites a single number back. |
| Accept what is acceptable | Explicitly agreeing the parts that work narrows the dispute and costs nothing. |
| Give reasons | An unexplained number is a position. An explained number is an argument. |
| Do not negotiate against yourself | If they have not moved, moving twice in a row concedes ground for nothing. |
| Watch what you are silent about | Silence on an issue can be read as agreement, or as an attempt to drop it. |
| Timing | Prompt is good. Same-day, written in anger, is not. |
Keeping track of dates like these across a stack of letters is exactly what SortMyDivorce does — start a free trial, no card needed.
Four things at once, and it is worth being deliberate about all of them.
It states your position on each issue in a form the other side can accept or respond to. It signals priorities — where you have moved reveals what you care least about, which is information you are giving away whether or not you intend to. It narrows the dispute by taking agreed items off the table. And it creates a record of you having engaged reasonably, which can matter later in ways that vary by jurisdiction.
The last point is worth pausing on. In many places, how reasonably each side negotiated becomes relevant when costs are decided. Whether and how that applies where you are is a question for your lawyer — but the habit of countering in a way that reads as reasonable is a good one regardless.
Do the comparison. What has moved since the last round, issue by issue, and in which direction? Countering without knowing what changed means countering blind.
Separate the issues. List them: property, home, pensions, support, parenting, debts, costs. You are countering on each, not on a total.
Sort them into three groups. What you can accept as offered. What you can accept with modification. What you cannot accept. This sorting is most of the work, and it is what turns a reaction into a position.
Know your bottom line and how you got there. Not a number you feel is owed — a number you can explain. Your lawyer needs both the figure and the reasoning, because the reasoning is what goes in the letter.
Check disclosure is complete. Countering on an incomplete financial picture is guessing, and it wastes a round.
Accept what is acceptable, explicitly and in writing. This is the most under-used move in family negotiation. If the parenting schedule works, say so plainly. It costs nothing, it removes an issue from the dispute permanently, and it makes everything you are contesting more credible. A counter that disputes every single item reads as reflexive and gets treated that way.
Counter issue by issue. Each one gets a position and a reason. Not "we propose 60/40" but "we propose 60/40, on the basis of the contributions set out below and the disparity in future earning capacity."
Give reasons that could survive being read by a judge. You may or may not ever be in front of one, but reasons that would embarrass you there are reasons that will not persuade anyone now. "Because she left" is not a reason. "Because the mortgage was serviced from my pre-relationship savings, evidenced at tab 4" is.
Be specific about mechanisms, not just outcomes. "The house to be sold" invites another round. "The house to be listed within 60 days of agreement, at a price agreed between two valuations, with net proceeds divided 55/45" does not.
Address everything that was raised. If their letter dealt with six issues, deal with six. Silence is ambiguous and ambiguity generates correspondence.
Say what happens next. A proposed timescale for response, or a suggestion to mediate, or an offer to discuss. A counter that ends without a next step often gets one imposed on it.
Do not negotiate against yourself. If they have not moved since your last position, do not move again. Improving your own offer twice in a row, without reciprocity, teaches the other side that waiting works. If their position has not changed, the right response is usually to ask why, not to concede more.
Do not counter the same day. Particularly not the evening the letter arrives. Almost nothing written in the first twenty-four hours is your best work, and it will be in the file permanently.
Do not bundle grievances with proposals. A counter-offer containing four paragraphs about their conduct is a complaint with a number in it. Keep the conduct issues separate if they need raising at all — your lawyer will tell you whether they do.
Do not make a token move. A counter that concedes almost nothing while claiming to be a serious attempt to settle costs you credibility and a round. If you are not going to move meaningfully, it may be better to hold your position clearly and say why.
Do not accept in principle and argue in the detail. Agreeing "in principle" to something you intend to resist in drafting produces an agreement that unravels, and it is usually more expensive than disagreeing openly at the time.
Do not let a deadline drive a bad counter. If their letter gives you five days and you need ten, ask for ten. Extensions are ordinary. A rushed counter is a permanent document.
Countering is not always the right move.
If disclosure is materially incomplete, the right response is to say so and press for it rather than to counter on a partial picture.
If the offer is not a real offer — "our client would be willing to consider" is an invitation, not a proposal — countering it means bidding against yourself.
If nothing has changed on their side, restating your existing position with a short explanation may be stronger than moving.
And if the gap is genuinely unbridgeable in correspondence, the useful move may be to propose a different forum — mediation, a settlement conference, a four-way meeting — rather than another letter.
Your lawyer will draft it. This is what a good one looks like, so you know what you are asking for.
1. What we accept. Listed plainly, issue by issue. This is agreed and closed. 2. What we accept with modification. The issue, their position, ours, and why. 3. What we do not accept. The issue, our position, and the reason — evidenced where possible. 4. What is outstanding. Anything unresolved or not addressed, including anything that disappeared from their letter. 5. Next step. A proposed timescale, or a proposal to move to mediation, or a request for the missing disclosure.
Short is better than long. A counter that can be read in five minutes and answered in one letter is doing its job.
There is no formula. What matters more than the size of the move is that it is reciprocal to theirs and that it is explained. A well-reasoned small movement generally works better than an unexplained large one, and it does not spend ground you may need later.
There are arguments both ways, and the honest answer is that it depends on how good your information is. Making the first offer anchors the discussion, which helps if your assessment is sound and hurts if it is not. Where disclosure is incomplete, going first is usually a mistake. Ask your lawyer.
Follow up once, in writing, with a date. If there is still no response, discuss with your lawyer whether to escalate — that might mean a formal offer, a court step, or proposing mediation. Silence is itself a tactic and does not have to be met with waiting.
Yes, and you generally should. Explicitly accepting what works narrows the dispute. Be clear in the wording that acceptance of one part is not conditional on the rest unless you intend it to be — and if you do intend it, say so.
That depends entirely on where you are and whether the correspondence is a settlement communication. The rules differ substantially between Canada and the United States and we cover both separately. Ask your lawyer before assuming either way.
Last reviewed August 2026. Researched and written by Neta, founder of SortMyDivorce. I am not a lawyer and this is not legal advice — laws, fees and forms change, so please confirm current details with your court’s official website or a local family lawyer.
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